One Way or Another


I’ve always dream about a winter vacation for a long time. But when the weather forecast said it was minus 6 degree outside and I cannot feel my face while strolling around the city, that’s when I know travelling on winter is a bad idea. I was tucking under my bed sheet and ready to sleep when I scrolled to the endless unread emails on my inbox. Subscribing to a whole bunch on Newsletter is a great idea on one side, but a messy and irritating things on the other side. One e-mail stands out for me. It was the 2016 Annual Letter from Bill & Melinda Gates.

Bill Gates has been a long time hero from me. Far before Andrew Stanton and John Lasseter introduced me to the wonder of Toy Story, Gates introduced me to the wonder of the future. Reading words from a long time hero made me sentimental, in such a way, that I start to remember every single dream and everything I wanted to be. As I read every sentences and every words, I felt tears were running down my face. I tucked my bed sheets higher to cover all my head so my sisters do not see me cry.

It was hard for anyone to grow up and find that life doesn’t get easier when you work harder. To find that there’s always greater obstacle, there’s always more comparison. To find that as we get older, none of our plan might work after all. That dreams are another series of unchecked to-do list.

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You’ll find that along the way, people will tell you to not giving up and you will tell yourself that dreams will find a way. The hardest part is when you find out that maybe time is running out faster.

When I graduated from bachelor degree, like any other fresh graduate, the choice is split between two things, get a good master degree or get a good job. I chose the latter because my father said so. Then gone the dream. Sometimes, I feel that I might waste time for nothing. But I know it wasn’t nothing. I get up every day, giving my best, living the life. Sometimes, I don’t fancy the job, but it pays the bill, and I’m happy for whole other reasons. There are times that I wasn’t though, but I can keep it up. I always know that I can make it work.

As I grow up, there are many questions about what makes people happy, what makes them satisfied, and fulfilled. In terms of job, life, relationship, etc. I always find that it’s overrated to be questioned that kind of things. I’m easily happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I don’t want to regret a thing, whether it’s a whole bunch of mistakes or a disappointment. But if there is one thing I want to have more of, is selfishness.

I can’t choose between getting a master degree and my father’s opinion. I can’t choose between working somewhere remote and get paid well or stay behind in home and settled with one job. I can’t choose between providing for my family or get broke and started the business I wanted. If I have a little bit more selfishness, I might choose the other and live a different life. But I didn’t and I won’t.

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Sometimes, it is tempting to always prioritize yourself more. Hop on a train to somewhere else. Eating like there’s tomorrow. Buy something out of curiosity. But then, someone else or something else matters more than that. That’s when I realized, maybe my life is not that bad. Compromising a lot of things and trying to make it work in a small way. It won’t prolonged my life, but at least, I know I’ve made the right decisions, for me.

We live in fast rotating worlds, walking in a fast lane. Sometimes, maybe you should slow down a bit, and asking about what are the things you want to be remembered of. It was hard at first, to find out that maybe, I might miss a lot of opportunities in my short life. But then, we value different things in life and it may change every single year. Things that I really wanted 5 years ago maybe does not relevant with me anymore. Each of us will take different paths somewhere along the way and it’s totally okay to choose a different one each and everytime. I hope, it will be one hell of a ride for you :)

Seoul.

February 26, 2016.

The Cocktail Party

We live in a noisy world.

And we always try to make sound barrier. With the earphones and our own music station. We distant ourselves with the crowd. The sources of whole other noises. The sound of tickling clock, dripping water, stopping car, walking people. As we left the world to other dimension, we might forget that we still step on one.

Cocktail Party effect is the ability to let your ear focused on a single voice in a room full of background noises. It’s the same with every other things, you only want to hear what you want to hear.

It’s scientific.

It’s philosophic.

It’s religious.

It makes sense.

The only silence you’ll ever got, it’s the loneliest time you’ll ever had.

I Don’t Know If It Is A Curse or Just Pure Coincidence That I Keep Screwing Things Up

She might have yelled at me again.

She tried not to all the time or the last time, but I keep screwing things up. Last month, when I forgot to pay the electricity bill. Last week, when I forgot to change the light bulb on our porch. Actually, it was 2 weeks ago. Our home was in complete dark for two damn weeks. She gave a damn, our neighbours gave damn, and I feel like she judged me for not giving it a damn. Well, in fact, I give a damn.

I just keep forgetting to change the damn light bulb.

If it is not because the accounting guy that keep chasing me up about the report a month ago. It’s not my fault that the damn intern “accidentally” typed the extra damn zero. I mean, I finished my school earlier than everybody in the room. Do i seem like a guy who gives a damn mistake like that? The project guy finished his degree in a mere 5.5 years and yet, he’s getting more than what the company pays me every month. A 43% difference in salary receipt made me give a damn.

Oh well, that’s another story and I’m still driving in the middle of the night. A report that comes 30 minutes before 5 o’clock means a damn overtime. And the company was not really sure that the lack of 43% difference will give me some damn.

She might have yelled at me again.

For coming late. For not bringing her a pumpkin soup she’s been craving for weeks. For not buying the soap, the toothpaste, and the damn light bulb for our bathroom. Oh well, another light bulb situation.

For not being there. 

That’s actually another tale and I might not be here to tell the whole story in my point of view.

I know she might be disappointed and it seems that I can’t help myself to make some damn excuses. To make myself feel better. Trying to make her think that I’m not completely wrong on this case, or any other cases. I don’t know if it is a curse or just pure coincidence, that I keep screwing things up. But then, it might be just me being a damn jerk.

You’re Not The Only One Who’s Scared

Because we live in this crazy world where we have to fight for every scrap, and I’m constantly scared that, if I slow down, life is just gonna pass me by. Everything moves so quickly, so chaotically, so uncaringly fast, threatening at all times to mow us down or overtake us. And so I speed up, too! I join the rat race! I know it’s unhealthy, I know it’s wrong, but I can’t slow down. It’s why I burned down that school! It’s why I blame everything on the Mongols and the World Bank and the I.M.F. and Robert Mugabe and Cecil Rhodes and Immanuel Kant and Freud and Maslow and Chomsky and your mother! But it’s me. It’s just me! That’s why I wanted you to strap in. I wanted you to strap in because the “seat belt” is just a frail bandage holding together my reckless life!

My Nephew Has Some Questions by Jesse Eisenberg (The New Yorker)

Coloring Rhythmics

In the mood to make collages and color schemes. Hoping to make something out of it later.

You know, I love gymnastic routine. It is one of those things that I randomly like to watch on ESPN (along with cheerleading championship).

Especially rhythmic gymnastic ♥

And aside from that, ballet routine is slightly the same thing, but with softer vibes.

I would love to try using this pastel scheme someday. What have been inspired you lately?