Here we go again. Complaining about the heat, with an air conditioner on. Talking non-sensically about the non-essentials. Swallowing our privileges, without realizing it. Having confidence that we will be alive, for 5 seconds more.
Tiny dots and flying dust. Big dreams that once grow, ground explosions that burried it. Are we really living under the same atmosphere? Sharing the same stars?
This is what it felt to be alive. Hurting and bleeding. Until nothing was felt.
Fly little doves, may you be hugged in heavens. Kissed by a thousand cloud. Showered in stars.
The little liar in her wants to say something sad. But nothing came out of her because she’s not sure she was feeling sad.
The little liar in her wants to sing a song about anger, rage, and fury. But she’s afraid that will hurt someone. Someday, she cannot undo the damage she’s caused.
The little liar in her wants to tell the truth for herself, but everything was confusing because of an uncomfortable feeling lingering in her head.
But lately, why did the little liar keep telling the truth and nothing but the truth?
If she were telling the truth, why has she been calling herself the little liar?
Akhir-akhir ini, Satria lagi mencoba menantang semua hal yang belum pernah dia lakukan. Sesuatu yang kadang sering disebut “nakal”. Ibuku sering bilang akupun dulunya “anak yang nakal” karena aku menentang semuanya dan melakukan banyak hal yang tidak umum dilakukan (menyolder kursi adalah yang paling sering diungkit). Biasa, kalau punya anak, yang jelek-jelek biasanya suka dikatain turunan ibunya.
Ada satu momen yang bikin aku kembali ke masa kecilku, di mana bapak aku selalu bilang, “Udah, nggak usah dijawab lagi.” kalau kita lagi berargumen (baca: berantem). Kejadian dong, Satria selalu jawab semua hal yang aku atau Reva omongin kalau lagi nasehatin dia.
Jadi kadang, aku akhirnya merasakan juga keselnya pas udah capek banget dan sudah di boiling point. Jadilah omel-omel, omel-omel. Tapi dari yang awalnya teriak balik dan mukulin aku, sekarang Satria sering bilang, “Ibu, aku suka ibu yang baik. Jangan marah-marah lagi yaa, aku mau bersamamu selamanya.”
Wow, layaknya serangan Pokemon, “It’s super effective.”
Kid, there will be times when people tell you that you are a monster, but don’t believe them. I am. I am the monster that society created to decide ‘anak nakal’ and ‘anak baik’. And you’re the one who slays them with your kind words.
I am reminded once again that this whole journey of parenting is really self-reflective. I’m flawed, like my parents and the parents before them. But, aren’t we all?
I know the whole shenanigan of saying that before having children, you should “menyembuhkan luka batin” or “merawat inner child.” But sometimes, you cannot be prepared for what’s coming. What we can do right now is just get up, say sorry, and try to be better the next day.
Dear Satria, let’s always be kind. And someday, let’s slay more monsters together.
I’ve never met you. But there are a lot of things I want to tell you.
Trains and books. Music and toys. Manmade satellites and humans’ greed. Raindrops and capitalism.
There are a lot of things to talk about. There are a lot of minerals and stars, ready to be named. There are complex issues, wanting to be solved. There is a lot of love, worth living. And you know, there are a lot of trees (and clouds) to stare at.
But you are no longer here. All words become winds, that whisper once in awhile. You’ve gone already and become one of the stars itself.
You, in the loving memory, that we haven’t made. In our stories, that we never remembered.
Berkunjung ke pusat perbelanjaan, beberapa hari sebelum lebaran. Belum juga Ashar, tapi suasana seperti di pasar. Semuanya ramai, sama seperti notifikasi di gawai. Semua orang mentereng, banyak kantong belanjaan ditenteng. Toko emas sibuk, pegawainya jadi kikuk.
Ada yang mengusik, tapi cuma bisa bisik-bisik. Ingin punya jiwa konsumtif, tapi takut jadi adiktif. Mau mencibir, tapi lebih baik takbir.
Toko-toko pasang spanduk diskon, bikin senyum kayak emotikon :) Menarik orang untuk masuk, berbondong-bondong kayak kena susuk. Baju masih banyak di lemari, tapi jangan sampai anak-anak gigit jari. Juga amplop-amplop THR, yang kadang bikin geger.
Beberapa tahun lalu pandemi, jadi tidak pada silaturahmi. Pekerjaan tidak ada, perasaan rada-rada. Gaji dirapel, tidak bisa kasih salam tempel. Sekarang ekonomi sedang sakti, walau harga beras tidak pasti.
Ayo belanja lagi, tapi jangan lupa tabungannya dibagi. Masih ada seminggu lagi, dari masuk kantor sampai dapet gaji.
