Twice

Today, I cried twice, over the same song. It was The Adams’ Timur. I used to hear this song over my husband’s playlist when we drove home from my overtime at work last year. That was the time when my pregnancy just about to hit the third semester. I would ask him to play this song on a loop.

The other day, I just came back from the doctor and the doctor said that my son’s weight is not hitting the designated target for a 2 months old. He should go through some observation to see if there’s something wrong with him. It broke my heart. 

It felt like a complete failure, of me, as a human being. When you’re a mother, there are a lot of negative thoughts that can eat you. There are a lot of things that you don’t care before, but could harm you then. There are things better left unsaid, there are things that could be better if you asked for a help.

I would wonder if I can trade the love I have with my inability to do things. Would I feel better then? Would it change a thing?

Today, I cried twice, over the same song. My husband held my hands while I said sorry for the hundredth times. I wasn’t sure who I apologized to or why I apologized for. But do you know what my son did in front of my crying face?

He smiled. 
Twice.

I read the literature before, his vision is still blur. He probably didn’t understand a thing.

But he did smile.
Twice.

I couldn’t help smiling back.

On 2019

Tahun 2019 adalah tahun yang berarti buat saya. Rasanya banyak sekali hal yang saya lalui. Hari-hari terasa begitu panjang, tetapi juga begitu cepat. Tidak terasa, 2019 pun sudah mau berakhir begitu saja.

On Living

Tahun ini, keluarga kecil kami diberikan berkah seorang anak. Walaupun baru sempat merasakan sebulan lebih menjadi orang tua, tapi saya sempat cukup stress dan bingung di awal kehamilan dan pasca melahirkan. Pindah ke rumah orang tua untuk sementara waktu adalah keputusan yang tepat karena saya jadi punya waktu untuk beradaptasi. Di awal tahun 2020 ini, saya dan suami berniat untuk kembali ke rumah kami. Walaupun saya sebenarnya masih suka takut karena nantinya kami hanya tinggal berdua, tapi saya ingin mencoba menghadapinya. Semoga semuanya berjalan lancar.

On Working
Tahun 2019 ini, saya kembali bekerja kantoran untuk memenuhi kebutuhan finansial. Ada beberapa target yang ingin saya capai dalam waktu dekat dan saya sadar bahwa saya tidak akan cukup memenuhinya, jika saya tidak bekerja kantoran kembali. Walaupun mengalami beberapa halangan di awal kembali bekerja, tapi saya bersyukur karena sudah memilih ‘jalan’ yang saya lalui. One leads to another dan saya berpikir, ini jalan terbaik yang diberikan Tuhan kepada saya.

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Terkotakkan Kata

Di balik asap, kata ‘kami’ seakan mengubah arti.
‘Kami’ yang tidak ingin dianggap ‘kami’.
‘Kita’ yang tidak pantas dianggap ‘kita’.

Siapakah yang digambarkan sebagai ‘kami’ atau ‘kita’?
Siapakah yang dipanggil ‘mereka’?
Siapakah sang ‘saya’?

Di balik aspal, kata-kata hanya omong kosong.
Bising di sekitar.
Api di kerumunan.
Ketika manusia lupa menjadi manusia, hanya menjadi sekedar kumpulan kata.

Di sekitar

Banyak yang jatuh hari ini.
Keringat.
Tangis.
Harga diri.
Merasa sakit hati dan kecewa.
Bersembunyi di balik bendera.
Di balik ambisi.
Di tengah teriakan.
Di antara nyawa.

Every Flower That Blooms for You

With long glittery nails, you wear your confidence casually.
Like breathing, like dancing in the rain.
Like every flower that blooms for you.

With that black dress that only fits you, you wear your past foolishness like no one else’s business.
Like the letter, you write to proof your stubbornness.
Like the yellow sun that shines only for you.

The song that you promised to sing, the passion that never failed to bring you to try again.
The word pretty never suited you.
Because you are more than that.

Never forget what you are, all the insults and the humiliation.
All the tears and all the sorrows.
Because you are born to defeat it all.
You were born to rise from the ashes of pain.
You were born to wear a crown.