When the terms self-love surfaced in recent years, people describe the terms with the ability to accept themselves and trying to start taking care of themselves better. Acceptance of their flaws and the imperfection. But when it comes to physical appearances or looks, sometimes, the term won’t apply completely. Women, especially women, sometimes feel inferior in front of other women. A flawless Selebgram, the women effortlessly strutting the airport with no eye-bag, the stylish random people on the street. I unconsciously being ashamed of myself seeing people at a wedding reception, wearing a full make-up and completely perfect hair. Often times, I told myself I really don’t care. That’s not what I’m comfortable of wearing, that’s not how I want to see myself. But other times, I feel that I need to have a full make-up and completely perfect hair to be accepted, to be normal.
When I was in junior high, there was a popular hair treatment that able to straighten your hair for a couple of months. I guess, that was the time Meteor Garden started their popularity and suddenly, everybody wanted a straight long hair. Me included. I asked my mother to go to the hair salon and undergo the treatment. I guess that’s when my thoughts about the acceptance started. I have a wavy and curly hair, so I feel that I need to have straight long hair to be accepted, to be normal.
People always wanted to have what they don’t have, without knowing the consequences. At that period, when my hair was straight, everybody started to look at me differently. Maybe just because I looked different than how I usually was. Some of them told me I was pretty. And the word pretty means so much to a young girl, that I gained more confidence in talking and how to present myself. When the treatment started to wear off and my hair went back to its original condition, I saw my reflection in the mirror. Part of me is saying to go back to the hair salon and have the same treatment again ASAP, but another part of me was saying, “do I really need it all to feel loved, to have confidence?”.
I never went back to the hair salon.
Looking back, I always amazed by how far I saw beyond my reflection at that time. I didn’t know how I went with my thoughts back then, but I’m thankful that I decided early on to give myself more loves. Physical appearances are something given( and never easy to accept). We can try to change and cover it a little bit, but it is actually within you. I must be lying if I tell you that I’ve never wished for a taller and slimmer body curve. But, most of the time, I really don’t care. I just need to swing by and continue to live.
Last week, I cut my hair by myself. I stopped going to the hair salon after I wear a hijab. I thought, why do I need to pay expensive salon if the one to please is myself? :)) So, I always cut my own hair since then. People associated a woman who cuts her own hair with depression, but I don’t feel like one. Every time I try to cut my hair, I want to let go of something. Something light, something heavy. Something. This year, like any other year, is tough. I lost confidence in myself a lot of time, I lost myself most of the time. Cutting my hair won’t make any difference, but can be a start of something else.
Tonight, I saw my reflection in the mirror again. I smiled at her. I sometimes wonder how I bear to live for certain years and still be able to smile at myself. I don’t smile every single time, but when I want to appreciate myself more, I try to smile more. For me, it’s a sign of acceptance that I longed for. I really don’t need the make-up and the perfect hair.