Today, I cried twice, over the same song. It was The Adams’ Timur. I used to hear this song over my husband’s playlist when we drove home from my overtime at work last year. That was the time when my pregnancy just about to hit the third semester. I would ask him to play this song on a loop.
The other day, I just came back from the doctor and the doctor said that my son’s weight is not hitting the designated target for a 2 months old. He should go through some observation to see if there’s something wrong with him. It broke my heart.
It felt like a complete failure, of me, as a human being. When you’re a mother, there are a lot of negative thoughts that can eat you. There are a lot of things that you don’t care before, but could harm you then. There are things better left unsaid, there are things that could be better if you asked for a help.
I would wonder if I can trade the love I have with my inability to do things. Would I feel better then? Would it change a thing?
Today, I cried twice, over the same song. My husband held my hands while I said sorry for the hundredth times. I wasn’t sure who I apologized to or why I apologized for. But do you know what my son did in front of my crying face?
I read the literature before, his vision is still blur. He probably didn’t understand a thing.
But he did smile.
I couldn’t help smiling back.