A Series of What Ifs

It is almost 2 months from the last time I wrote here. I’m glad and sometimes wonder if you’re still visiting this blog. Either by random Google search or through the link somewhere on the internet. Nonetheless, I always hope my writings can help you find something interesting, or maybe satisfy your curiosity on something.

A few months ago, I finished watching Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why with my sister. A series based on Jay Asher’s novel with the same title, telling the story of why a high school student named Hannah Baker killed herself. Hannah recorded her own voice through tapes, detailing every single person, including herself, who is responsible for her suicide. The series has been received a lot of criticism toward its depressing tones and mental health concern, but I bear myself to watch it until the end. Though I don’t recommend you to watch the 2^nd season because its disappointing storyline, the series has been a topic of discussion for myself.

I realized that as a human, our existence has always links to each other. We might not realize that our tiny bit of action can matter a lot to others or result in almost nothing. Our simple comment can hurt someone, or maybe don’t even worth to remember for others. The complexity of human action and its impact can be a matter of life for someone else. In the series, there is a moment where some of Hannah’s friends contemplated whether they have given enough attention or care to Hannah. If they had been done something different, would Hannah still be alive? Asking ‘what if’ is always an easy way out.

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A few weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. It was an early pregnancy with 13 weeks duration. I admit, it was a hard time during Ramadhan, between work and household chores, between life and the pressure about life. My husband and I were also asking ‘what if’ a lot. Though some people who know the detail (which is just a few of close friends and family) have been given a lot of encouragement and concern, it was not as depressing as I thought it would be. My body healed faster and I let go of a lot of things easier. Though I know there’s still a lot of guilt and pain left in our short married life.

Overall, it had me question myself for something. People always told me that I’m a thoughtful person and they seldom learned how to care about things from me. Though I’m thankful that people see me so kindly, I sometimes see that as a drawback. I jump to see others when in need, but would I do that for myself? Do I really give enough care to myself? If I’m not good enough for taking care of myself, how could I care about anyone else?

A week or so has passed since I’m out from the hospital. I used to visit the hospital a lot, but it’s hurt more knowing I’m the one laying on the bed. It’s hurt more to see all the worry faces, knowing I can’t do anything else.

My mother told me that I shouldn’t blame anyone or anything. The doctor told me the same, by giving a vague answer on the reason why the pregnancy went wrong. Actually, as always, I blamed myself. As any other thing happened in the world. I’m still trying not to do that and I’m actually feeling much better now. I know, I have disappointed many people by missing deadlines and failing to finish a lot of things. I still don’t have the same spirit to do things as passionate as before, but day keeps running and I know I don’t have that many choices.

So, here’s to brighter days and more happy things in the future. I hope you and I will learn a lot from yesterday and making the best of our tomorrow :)