Akhir-akhir ini, Satria lagi mencoba menantang semua hal yang belum pernah dia lakukan. Sesuatu yang kadang sering disebut “nakal”. Ibuku sering bilang akupun dulunya “anak yang nakal” karena aku menentang semuanya dan melakukan banyak hal yang tidak umum dilakukan (menyolder kursi adalah yang paling sering diungkit). Biasa, kalau punya anak, yang jelek-jelek biasanya suka dikatain turunan ibunya.

Ada satu momen yang bikin aku kembali ke masa kecilku, di mana bapak aku selalu bilang, “Udah, nggak usah dijawab lagi.” kalau kita lagi berargumen (baca: berantem). Kejadian dong, Satria selalu jawab semua hal yang aku atau Reva omongin kalau lagi nasehatin dia.

Jadi kadang, aku akhirnya merasakan juga keselnya pas udah capek banget dan sudah di boiling point. Jadilah omel-omel, omel-omel. Tapi dari yang awalnya teriak balik dan mukulin aku, sekarang Satria sering bilang, “Ibu, aku suka ibu yang baik. Jangan marah-marah lagi yaa, aku mau bersamamu selamanya.”

Wow, layaknya serangan Pokemon, “It’s super effective.”

Kid, there will be times when people tell you that you are a monster, but don’t believe them. I am. I am the monster that society created to decide ‘anak nakal’ and ‘anak baik’. And you’re the one who slays them with your kind words.

I am reminded once again that this whole journey of parenting is really self-reflective. I’m flawed, like my parents and the parents before them. But, aren’t we all?

I know the whole shenanigan of saying that before having children, you should “menyembuhkan luka batin” or “merawat inner child.” But sometimes, you cannot be prepared for what’s coming. What we can do right now is just get up, say sorry, and try to be better the next day.

Dear Satria, let’s always be kind. And someday, let’s slay more monsters together.

I’ve never met you.
But there are a lot of things I want to tell you.

Trains and books.
Music and toys.
Manmade satellites and humans’ greed.
Raindrops and capitalism.

There are a lot of things to talk about.
There are a lot of minerals and stars, ready to be named.
There are complex issues, wanting to be solved.
There is a lot of love, worth living.
And you know, there are a lot of trees (and clouds) to stare at.

But you are no longer here.
All words become winds, that whisper once in awhile.
You’ve gone already and become one of the stars itself.

You,
in the loving memory, that we haven’t made.
In our stories, that we never remembered.

6 Agustus 2023