5 years ago on Labor Day, I became one of them. It was my first day working. It’s funny that today also marks a month after I’m being unemployed. It’s hard at first and it doesn’t become easier as the day goes by.
I heard a lot of things already. A couple of ‘Good luck/Poor you/Lucky you’, a couple of ‘Oh, you’re lucky that you’re already running a business. Maybe it’s time to focus on that’, a couple of ‘Oh, you’re lucky that you’re a girl. You just need to get married and ask your husband to support you.’, or a couple of ‘Oh, you’re lucky that you don’t have any children to support’.
It doesn’t get any better.
First of all, I believe everybody has somebody to support and the term ‘lucky you’ feels like belittled everything that I’ve built until now. I’ve started to avoid people. I avoid going out, wedding, and meetup. Not that it feels any different, because I don’t feel angry nor desperate. Family and friends have been supportive as always. But it’s too hard to find that my mom start avoiding relative’s question about my job.
I started to feel like a failure.
I know I have been for a little while, but not as much as right now. I know that the industry has been bad and it doesn’t show any luck to get better anytime soon. Maybe it’s not my fault, or maybe it is. But it doesn’t change the fact that someone in that company actually doesn’t want you around anymore.
The first couple of week felt like holiday. I improve my sleeping habit and get 6-8 hours sleep every night (instead of the usual 3-4 hours). I have time to exercise more on the evening. I finished some movies and TV series that I don’t usually watched. I get to spend my time playing with Adobe Illustrator in my sweater and pajamas (the only thing I’ve ever dreamt of). But on the loneliest hours, it feels like a slow motion black hole. It slowly consumes your life.
Sometimes, I feel like writing something, but nothing actually comes out. I stare at a blank page and the ceiling too often.
But then, maybe it’s just a phase.
On my farewell letter last month I cited one of the most memorable passage from The Invention of Hugo Cabret and wrote a few lines:
“Everything has a purpose, even machines. Clocks tell the time, trains take you places. They do what they’re meant to do. Maybe that’s why broken machines look so sad, they can’t do what they’re meant to do. Maybe it’s the same with people. If you lose your purpose, it’s like you’re broken.”
In these kind of time, we don’t know what other challenges may come and where life will take us. One thing for sure, you may not lose your purpose of life and keep doing the best that you can.
Then, maybe I should.