Tulisan ini layaknya kardus di loteng, sudah berdebu di bagian draft post saya. Karena (katanya) hari Jumat adalah hari paling santai di waktu kerja, izinkan saya produktif mem-publish isi loteng saya yang sudah banyak dihinggapi laba-laba. Kenapa mem-publish draft yang ini? Karena entah mengapa, gaya tulisannya agak lain dari tulisan saya yang lain, jadi merasa orang lain yang menulisnya.

Sudah beberapa kali saya menulis untuk teman-teman saya sewaktu mereka ulang tahun. Mungkin itu hanya easier way out buat saya yang  ingin memberi kado, tapi terhalang oleh suatu hal (budget, jarak, ataupun rasa malas). Buat teman-teman yang hanya saya beri ucapan dan doa (atau ucapan di wall facebook, ugh lame), maaf ya. Mungkin suatu hari saya akan kasih kalian kado yang proper (walaupun kata orang, yang penting niatnya :P).

Biasanya sebelum menulis tentang seseorang saya harus membayangkan mukanya dulu dan hal-hal memorable apa yang terjadi antara saya dan teman saya ini. Setelah itu, jari lancar memencet keyboard. Entah mengapa kadang menulis tentang seseorang jauh lebih mudah daripada menulis tentang sesuatu yang tidak ada atau sebuah karangan fiksi. Orang-orang yang membaca tulisan saya mungkin berpikir tulisan saya agak berlebihan dalam hal memuji si subjek tulisan. Anehnya, saya gak pernah peduli. Apapun yang saya tulis di sebuah tulisan adalah interpretasi jujur yang saya dapatkan ketika berinteraksi dengan seseorang. Jadi berbeda dengan tulisan random saya yang ada di blog, yang kadang gak jelas ditunjukan untuk siapa, yang banyak khayalannya juga, tulisan yang saya dedikasikan untuk seseorang impact-nya sangat besar untuk saya. Saya termasuk orang yang emosional dan sentimental dalam menulis, jadi tidak heran dahi saya jadi berkerut kalau menulis tulisan kesal dan kadang menangis tersedu-sedu kalau menulis sesuatu yang mengharukan. Saya kadang membayangkan emosi orang lain ketika membaca tulisan saya, apakah mungkin mereka akan menangis sedih juga?

Apapun itu, mungkin kamu bisa mulai menulis sebuah tulisan dan (mungkin) akan jadi kado yang tidak biasa untuk si subjek.

Ini portofolio kado ulang tahun esek-esek/abal-abal saya, dengan bahasa yang esek-esek/abal-abal juga :P Tahun ini, berniat menulis lebih banyak lagi.

HBD Sella | HBD Angga | HBD Vina | HBD Ayu | HBD Dinoy

Give me a minute, I’m good.

Give me an hour, I’m great.

Give me six months, I’m unbeatable.

– Col. John ‘Hannibal’ Smith (The A-Team, 2010)

Words are powerful, and when you got to hear sentences like these. Chilled, is just another expression. For some other time, rejection maybe hard and painful. But, I keep reminding myself that I use to face this kind of time, I use to face rejection. The one thing that I hold on time to time, is the will to keep on dreaming, to get to the goal.

I’ve experienced this kind of time. When I was rejected becoming the project leader of Dokumentasi Wisuda Oktober 2007. I was falling hard that time, and it was such a big blow. Come Wisuda April 2008, I became resisted to what I believe. Seeing people come to do the interview, I don’t want to rush things, beside I felt much more incapable of doing thing. But then again, the dream stayed alive. I kept on learning. About myself, the do’s and the dont’s, the why and the how. Exactly 9 months after October, I signed up again.

On June 2008, I was assigned to be the project leader of Dokumentasi Wisuda Juli 2008.

Thing is, I knew. I fully understanded that the other candidates were way brilliant than I am, way creative, way talented, way gifted. But I just knew, I worked harder than everybody else, I learned much more than anybody else. That time, only one word passed across my head:

I was invincible.

I still want to become that person. I want to become that invincible. But yeah, the cold nightmare still creeps beneath me and for many obvious reason I want to break down or simply, disappear. But then again, I want to believe in me. To those far away dream, and the path to get closer to it. Closing March, with kisses and strawberry fragrance :)

Talking about future, under rain, unreal. We shall have this toast again. Until later, let’s just keep those words.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future’s not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

I wish I have hair like Ritchie, a perfect cut bangs with nice curly short hair. I might be just an adopted child, but now I’ve married to some band geeks and starring a reality hit show by playing dumb.

I wish I have bigger brain, like Karp and Zuckenberg. So I can make a billion dollar by making something I was passionate about, drinking beer at panels, and having a dog that can make headline.

I wish I was Banks. I don’t care how fat and curvy I look like, I still fierce and amazing. I can wear wings, walking in Victoria’s Secret show and people cheer like I’m a rock star. Besides, I have transformed 15 (on the running to 16) pretty cute chicks to real models, by giving them contract with CoverGirl and Vogue.

I wish I was Tyler. I might have huge lips, but I’m a real rock star. I sing a soundtrack of one of the most remembered apocalypse movie ever made. Besides, I have a beautiful daughter and I’m now a judge on the most viewed TV show in the US. Seacrest introduced me, people sing my songs, and I still hit the highest note.

I wish I was Portman. So I can become a princess with weird white powdered face, weird thin red lipstick and still looks gorgeous. Bringing home Oscar by dancing along and bleed. And yeah, I’m having a degree in Harvard, not drools enough with Franco because I attend the same school.

But lately, I just wish for you. Because no matter how great other people are, you’re still showing me the way to realize how great ourselves are. Yeah, I just wish for you. So I can catch star and diving to the bottom of the ocean, seeing the Milky Way and technicolor corals. Happy enough to remember that thankful is the only thing we can count on to survive.

Melihat awan bergerak beriringan. Langit yang melarut, menjingga, berubah rupa, dan menghitam. Pencakar langit, pepohonan, Monas. Menyaksikan sekelebat hilir mudik, penumpang yang lalu lalang. Para perokok, pengangkut barang, penikmat Hokben. Para pekerja berlari di tangga dengan sepatu hak, menanti dan mengejar waktu. 180 menit dan masih akan berlanjut, untuk 206 menit selanjutnya.

Ketika menemukan keramaian dalam kesendirian dan (lagi-lagi) menyadari bahwa keluhan kita hanya sepersekian dari dunia. Terlalu tak penting untuk terucap, terlalu sia-sia untuk terpikir.

Gambir. 3 Maret 2011.