//April 21, 2010//

When people usually said, “Happy Anniversary!”, “Happy 19th!”, “Happy (insert your anniversary day), dear (insert the name of your significant other)!” they usually count up the days they already went by together. But what we do every months, is an obvious counts down for how many days we have left together.

Happy anniversaries for all of you people :D

//April 20, 2010//

I’ve been passionate over rainbow, red umbrella, and yellow bus. That’s why I’m listening to True Colors like million times. Funny, huh? I do have great affection about colors. Nevertheless, you’re obviously know, that yellow and red are my favorite one :D

//April 20, 2010//

Now here at my post-surgery syndrome, I’m getting one thing to be exact. They DO know me. When people surely talks loudly to the worlds about “You don’t really know everything about me”. I said, “Think it again”. There are a certain people who know you before you even exist. And when you say inspiration comes from a certain girlfriend/boyfriend things, maybe you’re referring to a certain Dad or Sister. You’re just too lonely and too proud of yourself to admit such things. Yes, I DO want to be here. Longer.

//April 15, 2010//

It’s been late, or early in the morning. Oh, I don’t even give a damn. I’ve been working on my Horticulture Lighting paper and I started to wonder how this is all even begun. Back then, I was buying my first Indonesian edition of National Geographic. The main feature was about World Cup 2006, of course. The SMPB fighter was actually fighting their own night shift and struggling with numbers and words. Trying to pass their limit, believing to what so ever called, future. And there I was, reading the so called article about Nano Technology. Those small little things (years later, I found out it is a real too small to be seen or touch). That’s why people called it Nano. Yes, it is quite small, realizing the fact you got the unit number smaller than 10 ^-9. Then those small things on my brain just called the small senses I always had. Oh dear, curiosity. Why do you always came first after knowing something new?

They brought me here, a 4^th year undergraduate student with an abstract final project trying to portray music into brainwaves. Made what’s subjective becomes objective. It is quite interesting, and fun (oh, I finally admit it). I don’t dream becoming engineer. I dream becoming the General Secretary of United Nation or UNESCO, a dim-sum restaurant owner or a filmmaker, having a job in PIXAR or writing a children stories. I don’t dream becoming an engineer. I’m just a pure curiouser trying to know what happen under the magic of the universe. Why does water freezes into ice, how to make winds an alternate energy, how to measure comfort into numbers, I did all of those and I’m just pure happy. Just knowing this is an exact fun and knowing it does help people. It is just a pleasure more or less. My lecturer once said, “Microwave can heat food, refrigerator can freeze things, television can broadcast news, and it is all Engineering Physics.”

PS: It is naïve when I say I don’t think about future jobs, or salary, or things. Because obviously, I don’t. I really don’t. You came at me and ask me, after graduate, where do I want to apply a job? I seriously fucking don’t know. Because obviously, I don’t really want any job or salary. Okay, maybe I want a job, a real project which can keep me busy and interested. About salary, I’m not really sure. Am I being a hypocrite or not, I just don’t really know. People need money, of course. But why does it always so important?

My mom said I have to care. And yes, I have to. It’s not even a choice from the start.

//April 14, 2010//

The day was awful, like any of the days would be on the next months, or years. I’m listening to my junior high school crush band—L’Arc~en~ciel. They got a mix of great vocal, awesome guitar plays, an interesting sound of drums, and a skillful bass player. It’s Japanese and it’s sound—still the same—great and addictive. Driver’s High reminded me of Great Teacher Onizuka—the favorite one. I’d like to listen Tokyo Jihen and Asian Kungfu Generation also, but it’s too late to crack the hard disk and found the tunes. So, I don’t bother.

Just finished watching the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Oh beauty, and it’s heaven, I swear. Nevertheless, it will surely forever young in my mind. It’s a mind blowing and surely a punch in your head. Swear will make a less like it someday. I will watch out for another Terry Gilliam for sure.

I got boring and panic the last couple of days. This final project keeps me busy and jobless at the same time and I’d like to be there (or hate). I haven’t decided it yet, but nobody cares but me.

It’s Glee on April 13th, seen? May we rest on the power of Rileks once more?

Bless people created this amazing forum.

I want to kill time (and animal maybe?). I hate them, the way I hate cat and chili. Oh, cat is animal by the way. My ScriptFrenzy stats don’t make me happy, they’re just pathetic as I am. I’m just a bad participant.

I stay out for you people, I don’t want to get close. I’m just yellow as a chicken, a coward colorless thing, who doesn’t have anything. Yes, it is exactly like you say. I’m ugly, inside and out. It is nothing to be compare actually and I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid to get burned. I deserve mean things, and I knew. I deserve all of those cursed words and chants. I’m so deserved all of those.

I’m not what I was. I’m a real trash on real world.

It’s traumatic, and I don’t want to get close to anybody again. A lover or a friend, it’s the same for everybody. I will be alone, and I will be happy. It is better for everybody since they don’t need me actually. I’m just a consolation prize, an actual 3rd choice because he refused and other he, rejected. I stood because nobody want the place, because it’s actual tired and frustrated. People just want me to be tired and frustrated, the unwanted place.

Oh, and it is how it feels to be emo. It’s so dark and gloomy. It is kind of boring by the way. Maybe world would be colorful again in the next morning, it’s just a matter of time and maybe… choice. No more choice I’d say, I hate it. But I don’t have control, I’m just a pathetic broke down marionette.