a shallow and mad journal
I always find words intriguing! It can meant so much, also meant less. It drives you mad, also feels love. I like stories and I’d always love to hear or write one.
Between dark spaces and tense atmospheres, some scenes were meant to speak louder.
But insanity reached another level and enough were not enough because bigger stars meant to be bigger.
Pity.
Until lightning becomes a friend and the possibility to see underwater scene becomes real, let’s live longer and survive this war.
Until all cards brought to the table and they’re soaring back into the sky.
We make the questions in the back of our head.
With endless whine and tireless complaints.
We shout to the mountains and it echoes.
We shout to the sea and it swallowed by the wave.
We shout to the sky and it disappears between wind and other noises.
Only few whispered in tender voices,
to the right place.
You’d be lucky if you’re one of them.
As the sun settles and the moon hides, there’s a time where the mirror alive for a split second.
Attracting visitor, who is looking something in themselves.
Unable to tell what’s the same or what’s different.
Only searching for another, which is either missing or not yet to be discovered.
There are new visitors tonight.
Weird looking.
Dumb founded.
But all of them are the same.
Lost.
I think I saw them before from where I was from.
Tonight, we’re not raising any glass or celebrating new adventures.
Tonight, we’re here to search.
Until the night becomes bright and all souls become lights.
Tonight, we’re nothing than a hollow.
Wishing to find one another in this depth-less mirror.
I’ve always dream about a winter vacation for a long time. But when the weather forecast said it was minus 6 degree outside and I cannot feel my face while strolling around the city, that’s when I know travelling on winter is a bad idea. I was tucking under my bed sheet and ready to sleep when I scrolled to the endless unread emails on my inbox. Subscribing to a whole bunch on Newsletter is a great idea on one side, but a messy and irritating things on the other side. One e-mail stands out for me. It was the 2016 Annual Letter from Bill & Melinda Gates.
Bill Gates has been a long time hero from me. Far before Andrew Stanton and John Lasseter introduced me to the wonder of Toy Story, Gates introduced me to the wonder of the future. Reading words from a long time hero made me sentimental, in such a way, that I start to remember every single dream and everything I wanted to be. As I read every sentences and every words, I felt tears were running down my face. I tucked my bed sheets higher to cover all my head so my sisters do not see me cry.
It was hard for anyone to grow up and find that life doesn’t get easier when you work harder. To find that there’s always greater obstacle, there’s always more comparison. To find that as we get older, none of our plan might work after all. That dreams are another series of unchecked to-do list.
You’ll find that along the way, people will tell you to not giving up and you will tell yourself that dreams will find a way. The hardest part is when you find out that maybe time is running out faster.
When I graduated from bachelor degree, like any other fresh graduate, the choice is split between two things, get a good master degree or get a good job. I chose the latter because my father said so. Then gone the dream. Sometimes, I feel that I might waste time for nothing. But I know it wasn’t nothing. I get up every day, giving my best, living the life. Sometimes, I don’t fancy the job, but it pays the bill, and I’m happy for whole other reasons. There are times that I wasn’t though, but I can keep it up. I always know that I can make it work.
As I grow up, there are many questions about what makes people happy, what makes them satisfied, and fulfilled. In terms of job, life, relationship, etc. I always find that it’s overrated to be questioned that kind of things. I’m easily happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I don’t want to regret a thing, whether it’s a whole bunch of mistakes or a disappointment. But if there is one thing I want to have more of, is selfishness.
I can’t choose between getting a master degree and my father’s opinion. I can’t choose between working somewhere remote and get paid well or stay behind in home and settled with one job. I can’t choose between providing for my family or get broke and started the business I wanted. If I have a little bit more selfishness, I might choose the other and live a different life. But I didn’t and I won’t.
Sometimes, it is tempting to always prioritize yourself more. Hop on a train to somewhere else. Eating like there’s tomorrow. Buy something out of curiosity. But then, someone else or something else matters more than that. That’s when I realized, maybe my life is not that bad. Compromising a lot of things and trying to make it work in a small way. It won’t prolonged my life, but at least, I know I’ve made the right decisions, for me.
We live in fast rotating worlds, walking in a fast lane. Sometimes, maybe you should slow down a bit, and asking about what are the things you want to be remembered of. It was hard at first, to find out that maybe, I might miss a lot of opportunities in my short life. But then, we value different things in life and it may change every single year. Things that I really wanted 5 years ago maybe does not relevant with me anymore. Each of us will take different paths somewhere along the way and it’s totally okay to choose a different one each and everytime. I hope, it will be one hell of a ride for you :)
Seoul.
February 26, 2016.
We live in a noisy world.
And we always try to make sound barrier. With the earphones and our own music station. We distant ourselves with the crowd. The sources of whole other noises. The sound of tickling clock, dripping water, stopping car, walking people. As we left the world to other dimension, we might forget that we still step on one.
Cocktail Party effect is the ability to let your ear focused on a single voice in a room full of background noises. It’s the same with every other things, you only want to hear what you want to hear.
It’s scientific.
It’s philosophic.
It’s religious.
It makes sense.
The only silence you’ll ever got, it’s the loneliest time you’ll ever had.