She might have yelled at me again.

She tried not to all the time or the last time, but I keep screwing things up. Last month, when I forgot to pay the electricity bill. Last week, when I forgot to change the light bulb on our porch. Actually, it was 2 weeks ago. Our home was in complete dark for two damn weeks. She gave a damn, our neighbours gave damn, and I feel like she judged me for not giving it a damn. Well, in fact, I give a damn.

I just keep forgetting to change the damn light bulb.

If it is not because the accounting guy that keep chasing me up about the report a month ago. It’s not my fault that the damn intern “accidentally” typed the extra damn zero. I mean, I finished my school earlier than everybody in the room. Do i seem like a guy who gives a damn mistake like that? The project guy finished his degree in a mere 5.5 years and yet, he’s getting more than what the company pays me every month. A 43% difference in salary receipt made me give a damn.

Oh well, that’s another story and I’m still driving in the middle of the night. A report that comes 30 minutes before 5 o’clock means a damn overtime. And the company was not really sure that the lack of 43% difference will give me some damn.

She might have yelled at me again.

For coming late. For not bringing her a pumpkin soup she’s been craving for weeks. For not buying the soap, the toothpaste, and the damn light bulb for our bathroom. Oh well, another light bulb situation.

For not being there. 

That’s actually another tale and I might not be here to tell the whole story in my point of view.

I know she might be disappointed and it seems that I can’t help myself to make some damn excuses. To make myself feel better. Trying to make her think that I’m not completely wrong on this case, or any other cases. I don’t know if it is a curse or just pure coincidence, that I keep screwing things up. But then, it might be just me being a damn jerk.

The hazel sky and all the skyscrapers.
You barely remember you’re even there.
There is a time that you’re being conscious of the reason you’re in at first.
There is a realization that we might get a hold of this all.
The repetition and the fear.
The fear of every little things and some bigger ones.

There is no mountain high enough, you repeat that to yourself.
Much enough that you forget what’s the meaning behind all the encouragement.
And start a new day.
Maybe the same day.
In constant replay.

We might get a hold of this all, you repeat that to yourself.
This time you’re not sure what’s the meaning behind it all.
But you keep showing up every day.
Maybe it’s a sign that you aware of all the blessing.
Maybe it’s a sign of not knowing how to feel about it all.
Yet, we are here.
Showing up.
In constant replay.

Dalam pelukan waktu.
Dalam dingin ombak.
Dalam hangat kegelapan.
Kami memberi nama kepada rasa takut dan semua gelisah di balik terang.

Tentang apa yang diceritakan malam dan kata yang disampaikan sinar matahari dari sela-sela jendela.
Ketika terang bertanya cerita apa yang hari ini berakhir.
Ketika gelap bertanya cerita apa yang hari ini dimulai.

Menemukan diri di dalam semua kehangatan yang diciptakan mentari.
Yang menari bersama angin dan udara.
Menemukan hati di tengah semua remahan dunia.
Yang kehilangan waktu dan asa.