One year ago, I thought I need to celebrate my 30th birthday in an unusual way. Because hell, I will turn 30. A new chapter that anyone in the late 20s is somewhat afraid of. Especially with my kind of track record, officially jobless and unmarried.
Long story short, I booked a ticket to Japan. Ready to accomplish my lifelong travel wish list of train trip adventure for almost a month. I saved up some budget, revising itinerary, working really hard to earn extra cash, and other things I used to when I’m in serious mode. Then, life takes a turn in a different way. My parents took several visits to hospitals and I’ve been questioning myself over and over again what I need to do with my life with this condition.
A month before my birthday, I canceled the ticket. Simply because I cannot afford it anymore. Financially and mentally. Life works in a mysterious way, because the time when I supposed to fly to watch the leaves turns yellow in Japan, that is the time when my family needs me the most. I cannot imagine my life if I were somewhere else. It’s also funny that I kept thinking hard of what to write for my birthday post this year, but instead, I fell asleep before 10 the night before.
I think these show me that maybe it’s not that important anymore to make it special in “such a way”. I still love birthdays (also the free meal and the birthday coupon), but it’s still another number. I don’t need to make it different than any other day, or any other birthday. I still got up at 5 AM that day and getting cold feet recapping my financial state later on. I took a deep breath that morning and turns out, I survived the day.
For my entire 20s, I’ve been afraid not to be able to accomplish anything when I got 30. Turns out, my fears are all coming true. I almost have no savings left, I don’t work at United Nation, nor get a Master degree abroad. I haven’t stepped to Europe. All the things that I think define what success were. But the weird thing is, I’m alive and don’t feel depressed at all. It’s a strange feeling but also a relief.
Here I am under the blanket, in the middle of the night, writing this while it rains outside. Surviving my early days of 30, feeling alright. Still considering myself the luckiest happiest person alive. So, this post sums up my feelings perfectly. Concise and precise. And like my thoughts at 25, 26, 27, 28, and 29, I still want to spend the rest of my life falling in love with the life itself.
Cheers to this salty and sour, yet always beautiful life.
Happy birthday again, Cup :”)
I sincerely want to teach my children to be like you; never giving up and full of hope and always wanting to share and be kind. And seriously, don’t worry about ages or particular achievement. My father once didn’t get promotion for 8 consecutive years due to political reason so he seemed to get left behind his colleagues but as you said “Life works in mysterious way”. Turned out getting stuck for 8 years was a great blessing (in diguise) for our family :)
You too, Cup. Don’t worry about Europe or UN or scholarship (I know a passionate journalist who was awarded with Chevening scholarship when she was 40 something with 3 kids). They can wait and they will wait the best timing to happen. All the best for your parents, Cup :D
Waaah, sungguh pujian yang sangat tinggi buat aku, haha :’) Thank you for the kind words, I also believe good things always find its own timing to happen. Cheers for the life ahead :)